Aging and Death

Death

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“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”  Woody Allen

 

Death is one of our two greatest transitions, the other being birth. It is a natural part of life, one that all of us, and all living beings, pass through.  Unfortunately, however, we live in a death-phobic culture and, as a result, most of us, like Woody, try to turn our attention away from death and dying as much as possible.  

 

The result is that many of us approach death, whether that of someone close or our own, caught off guard, as if it were an annoying and frightening intrusion into our daily lives.  There may be no way to avoid the fears and anxieties we experience around death, but we can talk about them with other people.  Doing so we find we are not alone in these fears, and exploring them can ease our own sense of fear and vulnerability. A good place to have conversations about death is at Death Cafes, which are now organized in many communities around the country.  The conversations I have had at these have been poignant and eased much of the tension I have felt around the subject of death, especially my own.  

 

Talking with others also allows us to think about how we would want to die if we have a chance to control or affect the circumstances.  Our culture considers death a medical problem, not a spiritual event, and for a medical profession dedicated to keeping us alive at all costs, death is often seen as a defeat or a failure.  Modern medicine is now so powerful that doctors almost always have yet another, often heroic, intervention that may extend life for weeks, months or even years.  These end-of-life interventions, however, frequently extend life at the cost of severely impairing the quality of the dying person’s final days.  There are several books by MD's offering advice and guidance to those facing major illness and/or death.  These include Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End, by Atul Gawande; That Good Night: Life and Medicine in the Eleventh Hour, by Sunita Puri; and At Peace: Choosing a Good Death After a Long Life, by Samuel Harrington, MD.  Each offers an important perspective on the challenges and limitations we face given the current state of end of life medicine today, and ways to work successfully within these limits.

 

Death is an integral part of most non-Western spiritual paths, however, and spiritual practice is, at its core, preparation for dying.  For instance, Buddhist monks in Asia sometimes meditate in charnel grounds in order to experience the impermanence of the human form.  There are no charnel grounds here in the U.S., but I have found it a powerful experience to meditate in graveyards.  There are other practices available to open us to the experience of our own death, such as allowing people to cover you with a sheet and act around you as if you had died.  Or you can, on your own, lie down, close your eyes and cover them, and imagine yourself dying. 

 

The experience of what is often called “ego death” is familiar to many who have taken psychedelics; it can be frightening, yet once you survive it there is a sense of release, and confidence that while it is necessary to have an ego to operate while alive, death is not the end of who we are.  Some, when in altered states, have even experienced their own physical death, or had near death experiences.

 

There are many other ways to help us face our own mortality.  The point is that the more open we are to thinking and talking about death and dying, the more prepared we can be, and the more helpful we can be to those around us when death comes to them.  And whether or not we have a spiritual practice, living with and facing the reality of death brings us deeper into the experience of being alive now, of gratitude for the time we do have and what we have been given.

 

Death also presents an opportunity to leave a legacy.  The way in which we die makes a difference not just to us but also to all those around us.  To be able to die with courage and an open acceptance, to accept death with grace, offers a powerful example to others in how to face their own deaths.  This point is made in a beautiful novel, A Lesson Before Dying by Ernest J. Gaines.  It may not be easy to achieve such grace and courage, but the more we face the reality of death while we are alive, the better the likelihood is that in the end we will come to terms with our death in ways that leave a final gift to others. 

 

There are many other books about death and dying worth reading.  The classic, of course, is the Tibetan Book of the Dead, which is actually a book about how to live in order to prepare for the experience of death and what follows.  Two other classics to consider are The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker, and On Death and Dying by Dr. Kubler Ross. 

 

There are numerous videos on death and dying; among these are:

 

• Stephen Jenkinson on “The Skill of Brokenheartedness: Euthanasia, Palliative Care and Power” 

 

• Ram Das on Perspectives on Death, and Facing Death, among many others by him.

 

There are also questions you can explore on your own, preferably in writing, that can help demystify the experience of death and how we think about it.  For instance:

 

• What is your view of death?  Is it final, or does it lead to the next phase of awareness, or to another world?

 

• If it is not final, what is your sense of this other world or worlds?

 

• What might make it easier for you to face your own death?

 

• Is there work you need to do, things you need to attend to if you can, before you die?  This is not just a “Bucket List” of places to go, but rather what unfinished business is there in your life?  Are there people in your life with whom you have unfinished business, people to forgive, or to tell that you love them, or questions about your family you wish to explore while you can?

 

• What is your legacy now?  What would you like it to be when you die?  What do you wish to tell about your life to the next generations?

 

Exploring these and similar questions in writing can be deeply helpful.  Some people write their own obituary as a way of having a better understanding of their legacy, and there are many people who write down just how they want their funeral or memorial service to be run. 

 

All of these are ways of becoming more present with our mortality.  If you wish, I would be pleased to discuss these kinds of questions with you and review with you what you have written.  Facing mortality is hard, and it is far harder to do it alone.  So please feel free to contact me if you wish to work together in this area, remembering that my role is to be present with you and to hold a safe space within which it is possible for you to look more deeply at what is a challenging subject. 

 

When someone in your family or a close friend is dying, it is important to bring together all the people involved in order to have an open and frank conversation about how best to support the dying person and each other.  The ways those around the dying person hold death and dying, and how they support the dying person, make a critical difference to the experience of the dying person.  These conversations are often very emotional and sometimes even full of controversy.  For this reason, it can be important to have a mentor to be present at these conversations and to create and hold a safe space for all involved.  If you are facing this situation, please feel free to contact me to talk about working together.

 

Or if you simply wish to talk about death, or if you or someone close to you is facing death, please feel free to contact me.  I am available to talk with you about ways I might be of service to you, your family, or the person who is dying.

 

Finally, no matter how you chose to approach them, death and dying are one of the most powerful teachers available to us, and opening to them, challenging as it can be, has the potential for deep inner growth.  All of us must face these teachers one way or another, and the more consciously we do so, the less we are driven by our unconscious, and often unnecessary, fears and emotions.  Despite living in a culture that turns away from death, we each have the inner strength to face death openly, though doing it in the company of others is a far richer and more comforting experience.  I wish you strength and courage in your own experiences with death, and pray that you may find ease of mind and heart for your sake and those around you.